Amazon Review Comedy

Searching for a new album from a favorite band, I somehow stumbled upon a book called How to Live with a Huge Penis.
I figured I should at least read a review to see if it's a real book.


After reading two reviews, I'm pretty sure this is a big joke.

most viewed website

i am probably on amazon.com too much, but besides providing great deals and fast shipping, the website also maintains a vast quantity of laughable products and even funnier reviews.

i'm not really sure how i ended up looking at this product.
actually, i am.
i was trying the amazon android application on my phone by scanning the barcode on a pbr can to see if amazon sells the beer in bulk, and i was linked to a fake pbr can that was actually a small safe for money and jewelery, and a related product was this belt buckle.
yes, crazy.

hungry nerds

candy shopping on the internets.
i cannot make this stuff up.
amazon just hands it to me.

word play

for amazon.com, you need to sign in to check out.
for a mental hospital, you have to sign out to check in.

bike lock

Vying for a better deal, I perused amazon for a high-quality bicycle lock for my upcoming investment in pedal power. I tried sorting the results in decending price order to see what people were paying top dollar for, and I got some interesting results.
The first 14 results, to be exact, were decidedly not bike locks.

I can see how a trunk-mounted bicycle rack could be useful if I owned an automobile, but I can't understand the correlation between a $50 u-lock and $1700 go-kart.
The folding bicycle looks handy, but the Inspector Gadget look is slightly out of my price range.

slimmed down packaging

i understand this packaging is only 3mm thick, but come on, amazon.
is all of this flimsy cardboard really necessary for a single cd?

funky algorithms

i was perusing cnet and amazon for a new set of 2.1 computer speakers since my personal speakers are broken and not produced anymore. actually i'm not sure if the company even exists anymore. i've had two sets, both of which have lasted over 5 years with no problems. my speakers in philly only stopped functioning because of a fatal run-in with gravity and a wood floor.
sometimes i just don't understand where these recommendations come from. you're usually so good, amazon, but not today.
i don't usually shop for audio equipment and dental hygiene products on the same day, but that's just me.

the danger of digital high seas

Buying music is such a chore. I have to walk all the way to my computer, poke at least two dozen plastic keys, and wait 12 hours for the album to arrive at my door. Why even bother?
Oh, because the music is awesome (hopefully) and I want it in my ears. Well, just the sound waves inside my ears would be fine. Anything else would probably be quite painful, and definitely counterproductive in my quest to hear things I like.
I want to hear this album now. I just found out a band I've enjoyed for eight years released a new album three months ago. So obviously I want to know what I've missed, and I want to see (hear, but you know what I mean, let me finish) how their progression is unfolding since their first album a decade ago.
Do I want to wait until tomorrow to hear this music? Not really.
Do I want to pay $17 for the album? Not really.
Do I want to walk to a physical store tonight? Not really.
It appears my options are only limited because of my general lethargy and apparent apathy. I really do want to hear it. I guess I could survive on some 30-second excerpts from various internet stores. That's only good if you buy sample platters often.
"Yum that tiny chunk of cheese was delicious, but there's no more because I only get two grams of each type. Bummer for my mouth."
No fun.
I want to experience the album as it was intended, from start to finish. Most great albums have a coherent message, some sort of story, or even a simple theme that unites the songs. Listening to a random clip of a song does not do the album justice, and it will only serve to warp my perception of the album before I purchase it. Is that what iTunes and Amazon want from me? More indecision? Don't they just want me to buy the thing and figure out if I like it afterwords?
I could always find a torrent website that isn't currently on trial or under FBI investigation and use that to satisfy my musical desires. That, of course, would be illegal and immoral, as I would be stealing music and cheating both the record company and the band. If I were to use torrent files to procure movies, tv shows and music, I would use the torrents only as guides on what to actually purchase. If I like an album, I will but it. If i like a movie enough to watch it more than a few times, I will buy it. If a tv show makes me laugh, I will buy it. Well only if the tv show is Arrested Development, 30 Rock or Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And maybe the first season of My Name is Earl. And Titus. Ok anyway...
I don't want to be wasteful. Owning something I don't use is wasteful. Wasteful of precious natural resources, labor, and space in my room.
Not sure where I was going with this. I'm not great at closing, so

amazon nation

we are sailing steadily towards a bleak future, and we have recently passed the amazon prime reef and the fresh direct archipelago.
we will all look back on 2008 from our hoverchairs and think damn you pixar you were right.

i ordered a remote control for my ps3 and it's usually $25.
on amazon it was $19.
i paid $4 extra to ensure next-day delivery and it's still cheaper than going to a physical store.

no wonder america is fat.

and yes, i'm aware of the irony in this scenario. complaining that americans are obese while i order a device that controls a machine from 5 feet away.

this problem is equivalent to itching your neck because your throat is sore. your esophagus or trachea is the inflamed/scratched area and poking at your skin is a fruitlessly valiant attempt to correct a problem that can only be solved internally.
america needs to take some metaphorical cough drops or drink some soothing figurative herbal tea.
at the very least, cut down on yelling and drinking heavily.
attention whore!