fun halloween images

above: mother wolf spider tending to her young. "you 200 kids better stop fighting or i'm turning this me around."
above: large spider on a ceiling, probably laughing maniacally as her offspring scurry about preparing to wreak havoc.
above: this guy's hand grosses me out more than the spider. it's so hairy.

rated x for graphic language

warning: if you are uncomfortable with explicit sexual language, please scroll briskly down to the next topic, the content of which is probably more appropriate.

i had a quick thought whilst laying my sweet cheeks upon the porcelain bowl this morning.
pornographic movies need to maintain some semblance of continuity.
i couldn't care less about story. order a vegetable pizza, get a sausage one. call the plumber to fix your pipes, he ends up clogging them.
that doesn't bother me.
but i don't like when a girl is screaming "oh god! oh fuck!" and it cuts to a closeup of the penetration and there is clearly plenty of room left over. you could easily fit something else in there at the same time, or just more of what's in there already.
stop yelling.

Glad to be a Bipedal Mammal

catching up on my national geographic reading, while rendering some work of course, i stumbled upon this gem:

"Her legs are soft and her body's soft, and she can't prevent being inseminated by the male. Once he's inseminated her, he'll break off his genitalia in hers, thereby plugging her up."
-Jonathan Coddington, spider expert

i complain about our species a lot, but i really am happy that i'm not this spider. they take monogamy to a whole new level.
take the angler fish. the male fuses his body to the female's. now that's commitment. if he gets sick of the woman after two months, he's s.o.l. that's for sure.
how about the praying mantis? if the male doesn't escape right after sex, the female eats his head. that's one of only a few species where a quick one-night-stand is not only acceptable, but life saving.
"that was fun but i really have to go, um, not be eaten alive."

jokes and jokes and jokes

ok just one joke, but first a simple laugh:

so a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

now for the joke:

Jewish man walks into a bar, sees a Chinese man.
J: "I never forgave you Vietnamese for Pearl Harbor."
C: "I'm Chinese, and that was Japan."
J: "China, Vietnam, Japan, what's the difference?"
C: "I never forgave you Jews for sinking the Titanic."
J: "That was an iceberg."
C: "Goldberg, Greenburg, iceberg, what's the difference?"

Side note:
Why does spell check suggest I capitalize China and Vietnam but not Japan? Very odd.

ocean snot

Earth is getting sick and it is showing some of the same symptoms that humans do.

Idioms from the Motherland

A gift from a philly fair-trade establishment, my office calendar poses thoughtful quips on a daily basis.
Today's knowledge nugget comes from Uganda, and reads:

"He who walks in front gives you wisdom."

This manages to cover many examples in a simple statement, and is exactly why i look forward to flipping to the next day each morning.
It applies to a line of ducks, geese or other follow-the-leader avian families.
It also applies to jungle explorers, pyramid robbers, ancient ruin swindlers, burglars of clever vacation-neglected children (Kevin!) and other 'careful' groups of people stepping in booby traps. In those situations, you never want to lead, especially if you're stuck on an island with a resourceful french scientist and a time-traveling cloud of smoke, or committing petty theft in a house with a child who owns a tarantula and understands the physics of swinging paint buckets and forehead pain.