end the day on a high note

great quote about the film WALL-E

"A dirt-of-the-earth guy hooking up with the ultimate ethereal gal, WALL-E and EVE could be the 29th century version of Tracy and Hepburn, or Seth Rogen and any attractive woman."

-Richard Corliss, for TIME Magazine

this reminds me, i need to get a copy of synedoche, new york asap. written and directed by charlie kaufman? word.

thanks a lot, science

a brilliant study has used extensive brain scans and social testing to confirm what most people would never have known:
men objectify women in bikinis.
ask any guy. of course we won't come out and say "yes, i tend to objectify women in revealing clothing" but it's in our dna. we are animals, and one of our primary driving forces is reproduction. when we see a girl wearing practically nothing, of course our brain thinks about "tool use" because we want to hit her over the head with a club, build her a nice hut, and make lots of babies with her. ok maybe that mentality is a bit archaic. but the basics have not changed much in a few thousand years.
women do not wear these kinds of skimpy outfits if they do not want to be noticed sexually. unless they just hate their parents.
but when she dons the latest two-piece loincloth, she can't expect men to take her seriously.

i think i can speak for all my hetero male human friends when i say, i've never spotted a hot girl on a beach and thought,
"wow, i bet she reads the newspaper."

great, now i'm a misogynist.
wait, let me hold the door for you! i'm not a jerk!
i respect womennnnnnnnnnnn

this ocean ain't big enough

Two nuclear submarines collide in the Atlantic.
The British sub is 150 meters long and weighs 16000 tonnes.
The French sub is 138 meters long and weighs 14000 tonnes.
They can each carry 16 nuclear missiles.
The punchline? We're not all dead.
yay!!!!!
Luckily there were not 32 nuclear missiles zooming stealthily through the ocean towards each other when these two massive warships hit each other at "low speed."
I'm sure i'm not alone in preferring that floating nuclear-powered nuclear silos stay far away from one another.
some interesting comments were made about this incident, including that the submarines "should not have been in the same place at the same time." Ignoring the quantum physics discussion that could explode around the stupidity of this statement, I am fairly certain that this exact situation is why sonar was created, aside from good ol-fashioned planning. It sounds like the submarine crews were trying so hard to be invisible that they both succeeded, and this amazing quote was born from Angus Robertson:

"The Ministry of Defence needs to explain how it is possible for a submarine carrying weapons of mass destruction to collide with another submarine carrying weapons of mass destruction in the middle of the world's second-largest ocean."

With all these whales and dolphins getting confused by loud seas and beaching themselves all around the globe, it's about time our navigation emulation bit us in the ass. As disturbing as this crash may seem, I am glad i heard about it. If these two submarines had been carrying their intended cargo, the article would not exist because thousands of kilotonnes would have erupted in the Atlantic Ocean, spreading massive firestorms and nuclear fallout across the entire planet. Cue the playground scene from Terminator 2.
The two governments did not officially admit to the crash for a few weeks, so I'm sure they would tell us if the crash had been a lot worse. Right?

not exactly john hammond

This is exactly the kind of mentality i expected from clone scientists, but i never thought i'd see such a perfect example. after the successful cloning of an extinct species, the pyrenean ibex, the adorable baby mammal died within ten minutes due to respiratory complications. and kids, 'respiratory complications' is a fancy doctor euphemism for 'it couldn't breathe right and yes that hurts.' i don't know if i would call that a success, but hey i'm not running the study.
a co-author of the study being conducted in spain explained his sadness:

"we are not especially disappointed for the death of the cloned newborn."

he said such deaths in cloning experiments are common.
i'm not sure about the economic flow of tax money in spain, but i'm pretty sure the informed public does not want to have its tax dollars put towards such a time- and money-consuming experimental procedure, especially one where death - aka failure - is common and almost expected.
now i'm all for stem cell research, but i'd rather hear that a person died because we're getting closer to curing cancer, or something of that nature. we don't need false hope with these extinct animals. endangered animals, sure, let's save them. but if a species went extinct for natural reasons, too bad. they had their shot and they blew it. dinosaurs lived, in various forms, for millions of years and then suddenly went extinct. now if that isn't nature putting its foot down, i don't know what is. if a species was wiped out because of our own selfish and naive incompetence, oops.
we're dumb, but that's obvious.

the changing of times

Kevin Smith has made history, and most people have no idea. The Motion Picture Association of America has traditionally been a strict, uptight place where morals and social taboos are freely discussed and dismissed from public view. In it's 87-year history, the mpaa has reviewed and rated thousands of films. From this astounding length of celluloid, only a handful have been allowed to argue their rating with the association. Many directors take their assigned rating in stride, and make the necessary edits to allow for a timely release. This is why a number of films have an "unrated version" or "director's cut" once distributed for public purchase. It's a compromise that must be made. Unless you know how to debate your opinion.
Less than 5% of films reviewed by the mpaa appeal their rating, and less than 1% successfully turn over the rating. Kevin Smith has appealed the rating of three films. Clerks was allowed to keep it's R-rating with no cuts. My appreciation of Clerks does not need to be stated. Jersey Girl was given an R-rating but was allowed to have its PG-13, although i never saw this film so i have no opinion. Zack and Miri Make a Porno was initially rated NC-17, but allowed to have an R-rating without cutting shots from the film. There were key scenes that would have suffered from the kind of strict editing the mpaa initially wanted, and there was a specific shot that the director argued was not as profane as it seemed. Smith was able to cite numerous parallels in older films that were given an R-rating or less. The mpaa met for a final review, where they would either allow the R-rating, or stick the film with the stigmatic and fiscally undesirable NC-17 rating. After hearing Smith's argument, they graciously agreed to give him the R-rating.
I was always confused by the mantra of the mpaa. Excessive violence and course language meant a PG-13 or R-rating, but as soon as there was any nudity of sexuality, an R-rating or higher was mandated. A realistic scene of consensual intercourse seems way less damaging to a teenager's mind than a realistic gunfight.
A good experiment would be to take a number of pre-teens and subject them to two categories of films. One group of kids would watch movies with nudity but no violence. The other group would watch movies with violence but no nudity. Let a few years pass, and do a study on the mental and social issues plaguing these teens. I guarantee the group that watched the violent movies will have more problems.
Obviously movies that portray sexuality and violence should be given a more exclusive rating, because we don't want young minds to thing it's ok to combine these things. Of course, we don't want to give people the wrong idea about sex, and many movies depict sexual acts with a certain stylistic flair that gives impressionable minds unrealistic expectations. But doing the same to violence is fine? I think not.
The point of all this? If you think you would enjoy a funny parody of the pornographic industry using a great cast, sharp writing and hilarous adlibs, check out Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Just don't watch it with anyone who doesn't like the word "cock", for your own sake.

predictable browsing

while rendering, compressing, exporting, uploading, and archiving, i frequently find myself with a limited supply of computer resources. so i defect to the world wide web for some text-based entertainment. this evening i happened upon an interesting series of articles on national geographic and my boredom immediately subsided.
i was intrigued by the study about arthropod spiracles and the link between respiration, atmospheric oxygen and insect size.
i was astounded by the incredible bite force of ancient crocodiles, and the even more impressive force between a dunkleosteus' quadruple-hinged blade-like jaws.
but i was slightly disturbed by one quote by a californian biologist.

"A great white is about the size of the clasper, or penis, of a male megalodon"

says Peter Klimley a shark expert and neighborhood sex freak at the University of California at Davis. Normally when one wants a good size comparison, genitals are the last thing on my mind.
Although the reverse is fine. Did you know a blue whale's penis is the size of a mid-sized sedan?
Why do i know that?

i hope you don't hate snakes

if you hate snakes, keep reading because i'm going to make you very happy.
you will be happy to know that the largest known snakes do not exist anymore. spinal bones from a titanoboa were uncovered in columbia, dating back about 60 million years.
check them out.

you will be happy to know that this size difference makes the titanoboa approximately the length of a bus, and the weight of a four-door pickup truck. if it were to slither past you without you noticing for a few seconds, when you finally look down at the massive scaly beast its body thickness would be waist height. keep in mind, this is a friggin snake. that means no legs. that means you would have significant trouble wrapping your arms around its body, in case you thought a good idea might be trying to hug a 13-meter 1100kg serpent.
read the full story here, courtesy of the british broadcasting corporation.
i wouldn't worry too much, because if you stumbled upon a live specimen, it would probably not waste its time trying to eat you. it's the equivalent of noticing a few triscuits on the street. if you were really famished you might eat them, but otherwise it's not worth the trouble. but hey, we found coelacanths off the cost of south africa. and there's plenty of unexplored rain forests left. well, the parts we haven't gotten around to destroying for lumber and hotels. be sure to run straight into the nearest river if you spot one of these reptiles. no wait, they swim. ok climb the nearest tree. no wait, they would probably knock it over accidentally. ok just soil yourself and hope you're too pitiful a snack to bother with.
enjoy the rest of your day, because your dreams are sure to be haunted by enormous snakes that are so unfathomably massive that they are actually called titanoboas.

definitely feelin it, doc

sad but true

made my day

it's a crisp winter day in philadelphia. the sun is shining down with a warm smile. bums are snoozing peacefully in "homeless palace", as my friends have come to call it. a great day for outdoor activities. and yet most of us would rather sit on our asses and watch other people get paid to run around.
it's called the super bowl, and like the office bug and dentist appointments, it happens every year.
now i understand if people are tired from partying last night. but i was out until 5am and i still woke up today and filed my tax return before lunch. does that make me better than you? of course.
on a serious note, however, my day was made when i discovered the next great harold ramis film. it's called year one and judging by the cast, director, producers, writers and the short clip i watched online, it looks f-ing hilarious.
i'd go into more detail, but you can just click the link and see for your merry self.
i bet you didn't recognize harold ramis in knocked up. his dad? yup.